She's JV to your varsity
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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