I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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