So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
