There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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