grandma shit on top of the toilet
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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