Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
