im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I seem to have left my pride at pride
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
