she was so not down for the gang bang
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
