Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
