you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
