I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
