shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
