she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
