OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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