well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
