My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize