Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
