You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
