I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
We named our party play list daddy issues
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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