I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
