it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
