After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
