So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
