I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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