Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
