Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I wish you could order shots online.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
smell my finger.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
