I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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