I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
