We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
