I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
