hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
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Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
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But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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