just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
