: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
