i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
