After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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