It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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