Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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