My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
