you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
im holly from the hills drunk
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
