i wish starbucks made bloody marys
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
