i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
