So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
