I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
