I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
