party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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