every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
