Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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