my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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