My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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