If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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