it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
