I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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