I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
