Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
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Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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