If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
