You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
