The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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