Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
